Aug 2, 2016

chemo day 14 - hair loss

They said your hair will fall out on day 14 but for some reason I thought that wouldn't apply to me. I thought, sure most people's probably falls out on day 14 but mine won't. Wishful thinking.

I checked my pillow this morning and there was no hair in sight, woohoo! See, it's day 14 and I still have my hair. Maybe it won't fall out at all or maybe just a tiny bit and everyone will be amazed...

Then I washed my hair.....

I ran myself a nice bath with a Lush pink bath bomb, made myself a nice almond milk latte and washed my hair.

Wait, what is happening. The first few bits I was like 'ok, everyone loses a few strands when they wash their hair, that's fine...' But it kept coming, so I've had to accept the fact that it will fall out. It is falling out.

I know it's only hair, I know there's so many more important things in life. I know how lucky I am that I'm getting this treatment to kill any rogue cancer cells, but it doesn't make it easy when handfuls of hair come out and your whole life your hair has been your 'thing', your crown and glory.

I fucking love my hair. It's so healthy and I love the natural colour. I love how when I'm having an ugly day or don't have anything to wear, I can do my hair nice and look good. If I'm feeling self conscious I do my hair and that saves me.

It's my security blanket and the one part of my physical appearance that I absolutely love.

There's still a lot of it left and maybe I won't go fully bald in the next few days but this is just one more thing that makes this whole experience feel so real.

The spots on my face are still pretty bad. They're red raw and feel like they're burning all day. They actually look like I have burns on my face they're that red.

When I lose my hair I will look like a cancer patient and that pisses me off. 

I know, I hate writing like this, I hate focusing on the negatives and I truly am grateful for how well I'm handling the chemo, the fact I'm going to be healthy again really soon and for the amazing support I've received.

I just don't like this bit, I know it's only exterior and I really didn't think I'd mind that much. My first thought about chemo was 'I don't care about losing my hair as long as it makes me better' and of course I still feel that.

I'm just not happy about it right now, that's okay right? I think it's because I've got these awful spots, that I'm going to be so exposed and I won't have my beloved hair to hide behind much longer.

I'm hoping my face will be cleared up by the time I'm a baldy :)

Sorry for the moan

Naturally I've been looking through old pics of my favourite hair moments lol


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