Mar 28, 2017

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together...

It seems Marilyn Monroe knew exactly what she was talking about. I am not about to give you the 'cancer is a gift' speech because as my friend Lisa would say, its a gift I'd quite happily have returned. But after physically and on a few occasions, over the last year, mentally falling apart, I can tell you that from my experience, every time you do fall apart, something changes and you're moved into a new and better direction. Falling apart means you have to piece yourself back together to carry on which gives you strength. Falling apart gives you empathy for how others can feel in similar situations. Falling apart means you can no longer carry on that way, which means you have no choice but to make positive changes.

My biggest fear used to be falling apart, I'd worry that people were noticing the fact I was not doing great and I thought they'd think I was weak. Now if I feel that way I simply say to my friends, or my partner or my family 'I don't feel good, come and have a cup of tea with me' or I'll notice when someone else needs a little help and turn up at their house with a box of chocolates. All of this creates deep friendships, it creates a community and a network of people you can love and rely on.

After years of being the strong girl it took something big to wake me up and my life fell apart. But better things definitely fell into place. Last year I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown before I even got diagnosed, I could barely breathe because my life was so fast paced and when I found out I had cancer I thought I was doomed. I fell apart. I quit my job and became a full time artist. I spent time with my family, I was at home for my kids, to take them to school and pick them up everyday. I could take them to after school activities and I could grow my business and do everything I loved doing. That in turn helped me get healthier. I can now spend each day feeling like I'm making a difference through my art and through my writing. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be.

I still fall apart sometimes, if you follow my blog you'll know I had a pretty epic meltdown last week, but that's ok because sometimes shit things happen, that's life. But this week I feel calm and centred, surrounded by people who care, who rallied to help me and I know I'll never feel lonely again and through falling apart, I can appreciate how fantastic today was and how good people can be. I made changes (like sacking off my GP!! And I've booked into see a lovely naturopath next week) I went to hospital today where my whole cancer care team who are absolutely amazing, tailored my treatment plan, came into speak to me and tell me how sorry they were about what the GP told me and I just feel so much happier right now.
I guess the whole point to this is, it's okay to fall apart sometimes and if you know someone who is having a hard time, go and help them, be there for them, use the shit things that have happened in your life to give you empathy for others and be there to help them through it. We're all in this together X


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