Dec 23, 2016


Today is Christmas Eve and it's also......the last day of my radiation treatment!!
I have been so excited for this moment for so long, I can't believe it's finally here. I hope that now that it's finished I will actually start to feel better. I don't expect to miraculously feel amazing, I know it will take some time to feel healthy and I may never feel 'normal' again but I'm heading in the right direction, it can only get better from here.

At the moment I've obviously got a huge buildup of radiation in my body which leaves me feeling very fatigued. I reckon if I closed my eyes for  10 seconds I'd be asleep. Which is how I constantly feel and I'm sick of it. But I know I have to let my body heal.
I also have VERY sore skin. 25 rounds later my chest is lobster red, as is my neck and back (where it's come through to the skin on the other side, which I thought was pretty creepy).

But the main thing is that it's over now! Just in time for Christmas and a fresh start for the new year. When I was in the tunnel for the last time they played two of my favourite songs which made me feel pretty emotional. Although that's no great achievement, I have gone from the most closed off emotional person ever, to crying twice a day at the slightest hint of joy, sadness, the space of 6 months. I bloody love a good cry now.

Anyway, the first song was Jimi Hendrix, Sunshine of my love. That's the one that goes 'I've been waiting so long...' with the sick guitar solo for like 10 minutes at the end, which felt very appropriate because I really had been waiting for so long to get to today. When all the really nasty treatment is finally finishing.

The second song was 'It's my life' by Bon Jovi. I've been the biggest Bon Jovi fan ever since I was 13 years old. I was 13 years old with an inappropriate older man crush lol. I became obsessed, bought every album and became a hardcore fan, even managing to convince my Dad to take me and my friend to Milton Keynes to see them in concert, which is still the best concert I've ever been to! But 'It's my life' was the first song I ever heard by him and what started it all.

If you're not familiar with the lyrics, it goes 'It's my life and it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live while I'm alive....' and so on. Those lyrics mean more to me now than ever before. And my new years resolution is just to LIVE. Instead of the hundreds of things I usually write down before the start of a new year, like drink more water, go to the gym more, cut out sugar, be more organised blah blah blah' in 2017 I just want to live.

I can visualise my life where I'm free to do what I want with the day again, I won't be at the hospital every single day. Driving that route, lying in that tunnel, seeing Doctor after Doctor.

I am going to try new things, I'm going to go out more, I'm going to go on holiday. I'm going to paint my heart out, finish my book, make new friends, go new places, relax more, have more fun, spend more time with the kids, be present, have fun and live the fullest, happiest life I can.

This year there has been a lot of sadness, all over the world, in Syria, all the wars, all the refugees, all the terrorism.

My beloved Grandad died and now my Grandma is going to be having her first Christmas without him in at least 60 years. There has been sickness, obviously with me and the stupid breast cancer. I made a beautiful friend back in June just before I was diagnosed, who has terminal cancer and one of my only wishes for this year would be for a cure for her, it breaks my heart that one of the nicest, most spirited, funny, caring people I've ever met in my life, is going through this, that there's nothing I can do to help her. 

A childhood friend of mine back in England died from an overdose.

Life is so precious, it can be taken away in an instant. People are the only thing that truly matters. Your friends and your family and so this year, that's what I'll be putting my energy into.

Loving myself, the kids and loving the people I surround myself with ❤️

We went down to the church on the corner of our road this year and sang carols which was lovely. We went with my sister and her children too and it was so cute watching all the kids together and  the smiles on their faces.

Then we came home to open our Christmas Eve boxes. I made one for all of us as I had my eye on some cute pyjamas in the sale!!

Everyone was happy and off to sleep, excited for the big day tomorrow 

Merry Christmas and thank you for your support 😘


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