Dec 7, 2016

Radiation burns

Radiation is a weird thing. Lying in this tunnel, with my arms above my head, in my custom made body pillow. Lying there whilst invisible lasers are burning through my skin, hopefully burning any possible cancer cells but not destroying my major organs, like my heart and lung too much.

As my cancer was on my left side, the radiation path is very complicated because obviously they want to cover as much of the area as possible but avoid damaging those major organs. I'm told that there will be a little scarring on a corner of my lung, apparently it's a corner of your lung you don't actually use (which is new to me but hey) and there will be a small amount of radiation on my heart but it's well within and under the amount to cause any damage apparently. Bloody hope so.

It's so weird, I mean, I don't know what I expected but it's literally invisible, you can't see a thing, this thing, this laser, this radiation. I wish I could see it. I panic that they haven't lined me up properly, that it's not in the right place. I'm in the tunnel, lying as still as I possibly can, terrified I'll move and the laser will go in the wrong place. I was expecting to be strapped in or something, surely they can't trust me to just lie there like a statue and not move at least a millimetre??
And if you have ever tried to be a statue or just to be really still, or you can't use your hands for a bit, all these imaginary itches start happening. Like, all of a sudden you need to scratch your nose or your chin and you can't! My hands go numb, my eyes water and you just gotta lie there and wait until you can relieve the itches or wipe your eyes.

I'm only in there for like a total of 15 minutes, so I'm being pretty dramatic haha.

I just don't enjoy it at all, and I know I'm not doing all this for enjoyment purposes but it's mainly because it makes you so damn tired, I'm sorry, I'm sure you are all sick of me saying that 'I'm tired', believe me, I'm sick of saying it and I cannot wait for the day that I actually have energy again.
Driving to and from the hospital every day, lying in the tunnel, trying to control the urge to itch your face, it's so draining.

My skin is really starting to hurt too. It looks and feels like really severe sunburn, painful to touch, painful underneath clothing and bright red in colour. I caught my nail on my chest the other day and it ripped my weak skin, causing it to bleed for like twenty minutes and it still hasn't healed properly.

But these are all small things compared to chemo and I only have 11 more sessions to go.

After my last blog post, all about my constant need for answers about life and the universe and all that, I feel a bit calmer, I actually haven't thought about it all that much. I've chilled out a bit and I'm focusing on the fact it's nearly Christmas!!


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