This week I have been struck down by the flu and when I say struck down I mean struck down. We all know what the flu feels like and it sucks. It got me feeling down too. I feel like every time I take two steps forward with my health, I end up going one step back. In the past two months I've had gastro and now the flu (I mean come on, gimme a break!) and every time that it's happened it's like I'm already too physically weak to deal with it. It had me worried that I'm 'damaged'. I mean of course my body is, after the op, the toxic chemo and radiation and the fact I'm still having herceptin injections every three weeks, which is also cumulative and this is what I have to remind myself, I'm still getting treatment and the chemo will take a long time to detox out of my body. And although herceptin is relatively easy on you, compared to all the other drugs I've had to take over the last year, it's not exactly a walk in the park. My immune system has taken a beating, which I expected. It's just that I expected to feel a little better by now. I imagined that when it was all finished I'd spend a few weeks healing and getting healthy and move on with my frickin' life. I imagined myself as one of those beautiful cancer survivors, climbing mountains with a big smile plastered over my face. I imagined myself jetting off to exotic countries and attending parties and organising road trips and the reality is, that is just not where I'm at yet.I mean, I hardly did any of those things before I had cancer, so it's kind of ridiculous to expect that I would just slot into this alternate reality just because I wouldn't be sick anymore!
I am impatient by nature and as I've mentioned before, it can be great sometimes. Usually when I want something, I go for it and I get shit done! But it can also be a really bad thing and has often been my main downfall. Recovering from cancer, is not something you can rush, or something you can force...It takes time, to detox alone, and mentally process it all.
I feel like my mind wants to keep moving, I want to seize the moment and live for every day and do all this amazing stuff. But my body is just like 'yeah that won't be happening...I'm way too tired' and I'm kind of stuck in this frustrating circle of wanting my mind and body to be aligned. I felt impatient two years ago that I wasn't getting closer to my dreams because I was 'nearly 30' and now I'm 30 in just a few months and even further away from doing all those things I want. I don't know why have this huge urge to do it all now, I have been the same ever since I was really young.
But instead of constantly wishing I felt better and getting annoyed that I'm so tired, or wishing I didn't feel like like an old aged pensioner, I think I just need to accept that this is part of the ride too. I should listen to my body and stop fighting to be stronger and exactly like the old me. I should think that just because I don't feel amazing right now, that doesn't mean I won't one day. It's funny...People always tell you to meditate and do yoga and eat healthy and be present in the moment. The reason they say that stuff is because it really does work. I just need to do it more. I know it works because those days where I make that effort, to drink the green juices and put on some relaxing music and stretch it all out on my yoga mat, I FEEL better. But sometimes...I don't want to. I just want to drink hot chocolates and go shopping and do all the things I need to get done! Again, with the impatience. It's hard living a balanced life when you're an all in, kind of person!
Maybe I should stop distracting myself with 'Sex and the City' marathons until midnight every night, have a green tea and an early night more often! It's probably just this flu that has got me feeling like this and maybe when I've shaken it, I should try and set some small goals, like 30 minutes of exercise a day and build up to the mountain. Maybe I should put a little money away each week so I could go to New York for Christmas next year, when I really should be a lot better. I mean I don't know what the 'right' way to do this is, no one does. Maybe I should just appreciate the stillness, accept that in order to have a full life and do all those things I want, I need to take this time now to just recover and stop feeling guilty about it.
Just be grateful every day that I have the opportunity to feel all this, be grateful that even though some days are shit and I can't get my brain out of this cancer fog where I feel so upset and worried and all these other anxious emotions. That sometimes the only way to get through it is with Carrie Bradshaw and a kingsize bar of Lindt chocolate, I also have the days where I paint for 8 hours whilst listening to my favourite albums, I get to spend hours on the couch with my kids, watching telly or reading them stories and playing silly games like 'the yes/no game' with them, or having them teach me how to do 'tic tac toe' (which I still find hilarious!) and making scrap books.
I have shit days and amazing days, just like the rest of us....
*And just like that I've blogged it all out and feel like I've answered my own question*
Thanks for listening,
Love Hayley x
#shoutout to Carrie
New artwork added to my store this week, make sure to check it out :) As well as the old 'Carrie' favourite prints too (which are only $40AUD) right now
Party in the sky - available at www.hayleywalkerart.com
Angel light - available at www.hayleywalkerart.com and heaps of other seascape prints!
Also, as a little added bonus...My friend Claire Barton has an awesome Mini Planner that is available as a free download if you wanted to check that out at this link HERE
She's a complete organising goddess....just saying
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