Jul 7, 2017

Trying to get over some of my irrational fears :)

Writing is a form of therapy for me, every word I write, I feel a little lighter and so I thought, whilst I haven't written in weeks, I'd try and put into words how I'm feeling.

You see, one year on, I'd imagined I'd be running marathons and cheering with joy, I imagined I'd be booking international holidays and instagramming pictures of me in Aruba, giving the peace sign and getting selfies with the flamingoes.

And while emotionally and mentally, I am soooo up for all this, my body is still playing catch up. I'm lucky if I can manage a 3 minute jog to the park with the dog, without feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack. And I mean, I haven't won the lottery lol.

I found myself trying to adjust to a 'normal' life. But everything I ever knew about living a normal life was no longer relevant. Before cancer, it was obvious, I loved my family and my friends, I worked hard, to try and save for a house or a holiday and pay my bills each week, whilst trying to fit in as much painting as I could. 

I have found that ever since I finished radiation and I've started trying to wrap my head around what the hell just happened I kept coming back to the same struggles. Whilst in one instant I would feel overwhelming happiness. lucky and grateful. I'd look up at the stars and the moon and feel peaceful. I started noticing the beauty in everyday things, as corny as it sounds. Sometimes I want to cry tears of joy when I read the kids a story at bedtime and tuck them in and say goodnight, because I love them so damned much.

But other times, I feel like screaming, I feel overwhelmed thinking about all the bad stuff that could happen. I sometimes feel crippled with fear that one day we will all die, that we are just a small part in this vast universe and we don't know what the hell happens to us. When I get into this mindset, my chest feels like it's going to explode and I wonder how the hell can we all walk around, trying not to think about it, going about our daily habits like we don't have this fate?

I wonder why this never bothered me before, baffled that other people don't feel the absolute terror I feel about it all.

I found myself doing what I usually do when something is upsetting me or scaring me and that was running away from it. I'm a huge fan of sticking my head in the sand and really good at pretending somethings NOT happening. But the new, oh-so wise version of me knows that distracting myself and not letting myself think about it only increases the anxiety surrounding what it is you're worried about. Because ignoring it, isn't dealing with it...

So I've started to let myself talk about it, even if people do think I'm a compIete morbid freak obsessing over death and the fear of dying. But to avoid anxiety I've had to think of worst case scenarios, I've had to research death. I had to let my mind go to the place that I' been trying to avoid for so long...

Also in my quest to get over my irrational fears, I went to see a counsellor for a couple of sessions but to be honest, it didn't really help. Not that there was anything wrong with my counselor (apart from the fact she kept obsessing over the fact that the Dr had given her the wrong referral form for me and would not shut up about it, telling me how angry she was with the Doctor, telling me I needed o go back to the Dr and tell him I was depressed so I could get the other referral where she would get paid more. I'm not depressed, I'm scared of dying....I'm not gunna go lie to a Doctor so you can claim more from medicare for these appointments....which made me feel weird and guilty by even being there!) I just came to the conclusion that there was nothing she could say that could make me feel better because, she was just a woman, she couldn't tell me anymore about death than anyone else because a) she had not died and been revived and could tell me stories from the otherside and b) she wasn't a medium.

Oooh I know, I'll go and see a medium, I think.

Usually terrified of this kind of thing, (turns out I'm terrified of everything now lol) I go to a pizza restaurant one night and it's right outside a shop that sells crystals and incense, and the sign outside the shop is advertising that there's mediums, psychics, angels guidance, animal healers, absolutely every type of medium you could possibly imagine working in the shop. So, I excitedly run in and book an appointment for the next day.

When the appointment rolls around, I'm nervous and excited and really really hoping to get some kind of answers. I don't know what I'm searching for but I'll tell you what, it wasn't what she gave me.

Oh my God, the disappointment. Now, I know I've never done this kind of thing before but I thought that at the very least she could offer me some insight, like maybe give me some kind of sign that she even had any kind of psychic abilities.

I had to ask her everything,

Me -  can you see anything in my future?

Medium - 'You are the one who determines your future, it's very generalised, you could walk out in front of a truck tomorrow and be killed, if it's your time'

Me - Am I going to get hit by a truck tomorrow?

Medium - I don't know, maybe.

Me - Righto. What about any spirits, do you have any messages for me?

Medium -  You know, you can ask the spirits to communicate with you through your own thoughts?

Me - I'd rather you just told me...

Medium - Maybe ask them to tell you in a dream?

Me - *resists the urge to slap her* Can you see anyone in the spirit world, who has a message for me? *clings to a tiny hope this woman is not a complete fraud*

Medium - I'm getting a woman.....she loved animals?

Me - No, my friend who passed away, was allergic to most animals, of all the things she loved, animals was not one of them.

The rest of the conversation, was a few more inspirational quotes, telling me things like 'out with the old, in with the new' she couldn't tell me a single thing about my life, past or present and then charged me $55 for the pleasure of it.

Sooooo, for now, I'm still a little bit scared of everything, that could cause me pain or death but everyday I'm learning, I'm finding things on my own to help me deal with it and who knows, maybe I'll find a really great medium one day with an actual gift who might be able to help me.

Ultimately the only thing I CAN do, is live, appreciate every day and worry about dying when the time comes (when I'm over 100 years old - obviously) and start hustling so I can afford a trip to Aruba one day, preferably before I'm 100 lol.

If you'd like to support my dream of taking a selfie with a flamingo, you can purchase a painting from my online store at HAYLEY WALKER ART But in all seriousness, this month is actually 'Sarcoma awareness' month and for this months #artforgood
I will be donating $20 from every print sold from 'The Lisa Magill' collection to a charity that really helped Lisa in the last few months of her life, 'Dreams 2 live 4' an organisation that realises the reams of patients living with metastatic terminal cancer.

As you probably know my friend Lisa of 'Terminally fabulous', sadly passed away in March from the awful disease that is Sarcoma, often referred to as the forgotten cancer, because it receives so much less funding than other cancers. Even though it's one of the most fatal.

Thank you to everyone for your support of my artwork and for reading this blog. You have all made this scary journey so much easier for me xx

Afternoon in Aruba - Oil on canvas $225 - http://www.hayleywalkerart.com/store/p120/Afternoon_in_Aruba_%2F%2F_Oil_painting_on_canvas.html


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